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| "You are such a good person Bridgette."
Well, if the quality of one's person was how people in this nation were measured, I would be living a much better life right now. But, it's not: money is. It's astounding how different my life would be if I were rich. I would not be dealing with this family crisis if I, or others involved were just a little more well-off than we are now. My cousin may have been able to afford a better lawyer and would be able to take his case to appeals, or I myself could go to court and request custody, or my uncle wouldn't be as opposed to it because with enough savings it would be a reasonable request.
I guess that's what gets under my skin. Here, a couple thousand dollars to any one person involved could save my entire family dynamic and instead that amount goes toward a party for Milwaukee's social elite.
I'm losing my sense of justice.
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| Social class has never really concerned me, but when Andrew and Christina returned from their gala the other night full of stories about cocktail dresses, martini bars, and champagne in the limo, I was captivated. In fact I was the only person in the room who stopped in my tracks to listen to them recount the evening. Thinking back on it I must have looked like a buffoon. I can almost picture it, myself sitting on the couch nearly drooling as I hang off every word while everyone else in the room interacts normally with each other, barely paying mind to the story. It's a sickening image.
Do I sound a little bitter? It bothers me that I am so entranced by the lives of the wealthy and well-known. I would have loved to go. I would have enjoyed slipping into a black cocktail dress, putting on my best pearls and attending such an elegant event. I would have soaked up every ounce of small talk while sipping on Italian wines that I can now distinguish by name, region, even grape. And that bothers me.
I've never really wanted to be rich. I assume because it never occurred to me as a possibility. I suppose it's because I have always hoped to work in a field I enjoy and none of my interests happen to be particularly profitable. The idea of working hard for something that I don't enjoy and doing it only because I would become wealthy, has never appealed to me. Neither does marrying for money. I'm sure I could do either one if I put my mind to it - but I would most likely end up hating myself for it, or worse, I wouldn't. But I would lose myself in the process were that the case.
Still, I cannot deny that I would love that life. And I feel terribly shallow for feeling that way. It is not as if I sit around daily and think about how miserable I am going to be for the rest of my life because I am never going to make a large amount of money. But lately money has become quite a stressor for me. No matter what I do I can't seem to keep any amount in bank account. I'm constantly in debt. Even now, when I'm working 6 days a week at 3 different jobs, my bank account is in the negative. I don't understand how I can work so hard and still not have anything. It doesn't make sense to me that all around me my friends are for most part much more well-off than I am when most of them aren't working as much. It could be cost-of-living. That might explain why my friends back home are living comfortably, that and most of them are living at home. Bill in the service and he gets paid more in one paycheck than I do in a month's time. Still, I can't help but feel inadequate.
It's awfully frustrating that I work my ass off and never seem to get ahead. I'm too proud to ask people for money or favors for that matter and I've had to as so much more than I'm willing to admit in these last few weeks. I feel that I'm taking advantage of the people in my life and now every time I hang out with my friends I am just wracked with guilt. Perhaps it is just paranoia, but I feel that they have every right to decide that I am not worth keeping around and maybe they are thinking that themselves. I don't feel I'm a good enough friend. I don't do enough for the people in my life, especially not recently. I used to pride myself on being a good friend. Now that I am no longer confident in my ability to maintain friendships, I worry about my worth as a person. Without that claim, what do I have?
I've gotten a bit off topic. Ideally I was going to sequeway into: It seems unfair that I work my ass off with little to show for it when others do so little and have so much. I don't want this to be misconstrued in any way, so let me clarify: Andrew and Christina are very good, very hard-working people. This post is not about them persay, their experience the other night just inspired the train of thought. I'm sure there were people at the gathering who did not work for thier money so to speak. I suppose that's the difference. I would never want to be a socialite. Were I ever to join that social circle (in some parallel universe perhaps) I would never want it to be by unwarranted means. If I am ever to become rich I want it to be because I worked for it. I feel that money would ruin me otherwise.
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| I don't know how to feel about this novel. The prospects introduced regarding the afterlife seem almost sacreligious yet the ultimate goal as defined by Matheson is to become one with God, to improve your soul - ultimately manifest your being in perfection upon reaching Heaven. I watched this movie long ago and felt that the concepts introduced were if nothing else, believable. But now, having read the book, my belief in the Christian doctrine seems simplistic. I have always had the feeling that the Bible did not fully explain some of the questions I have. (I also feel though, that it may with further study, and having read this novel I now feel I should dedicate more time to exploring the Word.) By no means am I rejecting my faith in the Lord. Instead I feel stronger than ever, not simply because of this book but because of recent events that have confirmed my beleif in the power of prayer. I do believe that God loves us, that he sent His Son to earth to demonstrate that love. I believe there is no higher act of love than that because I have no doubt that when I have my own children I would sacrifice myself in their stread at any point and yet He did the opposite. However, the idea that our souls may not be fit to join God upon living one lifetime holds a logic to it. (Assuming logic is applicable to such matters.) At this point in my life I know there are moments I am not proud of and I do not look forward to reliving them, yet I feel for the most part that I am a good person. I feel this has been demonstrated through my deeds and also my morals and beliefs. I am not 'good' only because of actions but also because of what resides in my soul. Yet, it is easy to beleive that my soul could still need work. In Matheson's Heaven, of which there are many layers, it is possible to improve yourself - I feel the need to distiguish the difference between the word yourself and the Self that I speak of. The Self being the epitome of your being, your essence, your soul. It is hard for me to believe that by the time I die, due to the sins and poor decisions I have made and will make, that my soul will be prepared to oin God. I cannot live perfectly; it is part of my human flaw, the downfall of free will. I can be a strong person but am not nearly strong enough to always fend of dark thoughts. And though actions may speak louder than words on earth, I imagine that our thoughts may have more consequence in the afterlife. By the time my life ends, I am sure that I will have sinned more in thought than all of my misdeeds multiplied exponentially. As I am sure is the case for most, because after all, thoughts spur action. The idea of being able to take time to prepare my soul for God is an appealing one. As is rebirth. I realize that rebirth is a very Eastern concept, yet I can't deny that the opportunity to try life again, whether you carry the knowledge of past lives or not, has always intrigued and appealed to me. Though I don't believe it is mentioned biblically (again, I could be mistaken so please forgive my ignorance) as far as my faith goes, I have not ever felt that is contradictory. Boots may be disappointed in me upon reading this. As I am writing it I am recalling a conversation we had about how literally the Bible should be taken. I believe the way he phrased it was "choosy Christians" - if there is no absolute for what is literal and what is metaphorical in the Bible than each individual is able to pick and choose what to believe, what to live by, and what to disregard. But that is exactly what Christianity is. There would be no such thing as denominations were that not the case. By choosing to attend a specific church of a specific denomination that is exactly what we do. We choose which beliefs to live by within the spectrum of Christianity. Is that wrong? At what point do we throw stones? I feel Fred Phelps' idea of Christianity is wrong because according to my concept of what God wants out of us it is. But he feels the same way about me. Which of us are at fault? As Stephen once pointed out, we cannot make it illegal for the Klu Klux Klan to hold marches in city streets without also shutting down the Pride Parade. To condemn one belief we must condemn them all to remain fair.
I've gotten off topic. It's a complex subject. The book not only made me question my concept of the afterlife but also of love. There are 2 pages of the book that might be the most powerful thing I've read all year. I have felt so jaded lately and here a few sentences confirmed everything that I ever believed love to be like. They revived my belief that love exists in the way I once believed it did. I realize that what I read was fictional. But the author had those standards in mind as he wrote and if another person in the world believes in that kind of love then so can I. I felt so alone in my belief that my solitude nearly snuffed it from me. It flickered softly within my depths, waiting to be rekindled and I am ever grateful that it has been. My life was, and will be, so much more beautiful when I look at the world with hope. I needed to know I was not the only one who hopes for such love, and not with naitivetee. I have faith in relationships between people again, I have faith that some day I will achieve that bond with another person. I have faith now that I know I would not be the only person out there with those expectations of love.
I guess I'll have to convince Richard Matheson to marry me. =P
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| I can't see the screen without my glasses and I don't know why it bothers me so.
It's been such a long time since I've written anything that I almost forgot my password. Pathetic. I was tempted to code everything in this entry- how interesting that it was a knee-jerk reaction. I have the weirdest habits. I was always terrified that someone was going to read my journals and know what I was talking about, but now that I've gone back and re-read them myself I realize that there are time s when I don't even know what I was talking about. If I can't read them then what are they worth? I know no one else will ever be interested.
I don't know why the urge to create an entry struck me now. I'm exhausted. I went from work to work to work today. Alex made the valid point that if I just got one job that paid me well enough I wouldn't need 3 jobs and be looking for a fourth. If I moved back home I also wouldn't need another job. I already made up my mind to stay and I feel secure in that decision - I have to, I am about to sign a year lease for much more than an apartment, yet...
I have such doubts.(I sound like Meryl Streep) It's more than money: I'm not sure I'm happy with school, I may have just dedicated myself to the next two years because it's easier than starting over. And I most certainly would have to start over. I don't know that I can handle changing myself again .What if I move somewhere only to discover I suck as much as I think I do? I definitely have become much more boring than I used to be. Which is unfortunate because I would love to have this fascinating, interesting life to throw in the faces of those who questioned me or had higher expectations for me than this. But, I just don't. I work my ass off, never save any money, am only barely passing school (so far I've failed almost a class a semester) and well.. I'm just not as happy as I thought I would be at this point. Not that I thought adulthood would be glamorous, I'm not naive. At least not that naive, because I was absolutely naive for a long time - - but I knew better than to expect life to be easy. And it's not that my life is that hard - it could be much worse and I am reminded of that every day. However, it's not interesting either. And I wouldn't mind being this unhealthy, or poor, or lonely if I could at least go on adventures.
I wish I wanted to get married. It really bothers me that I have such little faith in relationships and commitment. Especially because I am in what I consider to be a very committed relationship. I am just not hopeful enough to believe in that now. And I want to. I want to love someone so much that I am certain there is no one else in this lifetime for me. I want to be able to invest myself so wholly into someone else's being without feeling the slightest vulnerability because I am sure that they are equally as invested in me. I wish I could be selfless enough to let myself love like that again. I wish that my heart would fill for one person, that I could look at them and be assured there is no one else better suited for me. Forever. I wish I believe that couples could be forever.
Damn. I just realized there are a lot of couples who I believe will be happy forever. I just don't think I'll ever be part of a couple like that. Damn is right. That blows.
I never used to worry about money. I hate that I have become so finance-driven. I think that's what has made me boring. I stress all the time about how broke I am. Also, adventures are costly.
I suddenly became exhausted. I have to wake up at 6am tomorrow.
I think I may have become a bad person.
It seems I'm unhappy when I ought to be joyful.
And content when I am guilty.
But my dreams know better.
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| So much for internet anonymity. I believe I need some kind of reminder not to post on xanga when it is incredibly late and I am excessively tired. One would think I've never heard of spellcheck.
I'm sorry for all of those that I worried with that last post, it was the result of very little sleep and mounting frustrations at the status quo. I am actually doing much better today due to a series of unusual events. Andrew, because he knows what I need more often than I do half of the time, gave me an opportunity to capitalize on peace and solitude. The cottage is a perfect place to gather your thoughts. It is exactly what I dreamed of having as a young girl - a beautiful escape. I did speak to a counselor and she pointed out that the two tentative plans I had weren't really conducive my overall goal and in no way solved the problems I had listed.
So now I am searching for a school that is better suited for me than Alverno. The only problem with that is that I don't really know how to look for schools.. I've never had to do it before. But since I can't just hope for another fortunately placed bus advertisment, I'll have to figure it out.
I am now at least in the mindset to begin moving forward. Here's to hoping I can keep it up.
Thanks for everyone's kind words and concern, and Pumpkin deary, we've known this for years. =) I miss you too.
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